What the Consultants Say—A List Inspired By the SPS Spanish Program Report

Sudbury Public Schools recently shared a consultant’s report on the elementary Spanish program. For detailed coverage, read this article first.

In short, the elementary Spanish program has no formally defined student outcomes, no district-provided instructional resources, and operates in complete isolation from the broader grade-level curriculum. It’s a program without a… program.

What would such a report look like if it was delivered to any other organization, business, or program? We came up with 20 analogous examples for your reading pleasure, complete with real quotes and phrases from the SPS Elementary Spanish program report.

1. Bakery: After a six-week engagement, consultants found the bakery has been operating without ovens. The report recommends “exploring heat as a potential input.”
2. Fire department: The audit found “no formal articulation between the trucks and the water.” Firefighters described their current approach as “mostly vibes and yelling.”
3. Lifeguard stand: Consultants observed that none of the lifeguards can swim. They recommend “developing a shared understanding of what the water is for.”
4. Orchestra: The review found that 40 minutes of rehearsal a year, with no sheet music, does not produce a symphony. Musicians called the transition to opening night “significant.”
5. Airline: Consultants found the airline has no defined outcome for flights. “There is variability and ambiguity regarding whether landing is an intended program purpose.”
6. Dentist: After reviewing 3,000 appointments, the firm concluded that teeth are central to the practice. A phase-two study will examine “the mouth’s role in the teeth ecosystem.”
7. Library: The audit found the books are shelved by “how the librarian was feeling that day.” Recommendations include “an alphabet.”
8. Pizza shop: Consultants found that pizzas are made with no standard recipe and delivered by whoever is closest to the door. Customers reported pizza experiences that were “spotty and fragmented.”
9. Little League team: The team hasn’t won a game in four seasons. Consultants found that no one had told the players about bases.
10. Car dealership: The review found that the dealership has no cars. Staff described the inventory as “exploratory in nature.”
11. Weather station: Consultants found that forecasts are produced by looking out the window on Monday and assuming the rest of the week will match.
12. Barbershop: The report noted “no shared expectations” about how much hair to remove. One customer said he came in for a trim and left “spiritually changed.”
13. Driving school: Students get 40 minutes of instruction a week, all of it in a parked car. Graduates described the jump to the Mass Pike as “significant.”
14. Post office: Consultants found that mail is delivered to addresses “in the general spirit of” the ones written on the envelope.
15. Zoo: After a 14-month study, the firm determined that the zoo has been keeping the lions and the gazelles in the same enclosure. The report says the zoo has been “operating with a high rate of gazelle attrition.”
16. Hospital: The audit found no formal handoff between the surgery department and the “putting things back” department.
17. GPS company: Consultants found that the maps have not been updated since 1987. Users reported “very little recall of where roads currently are.”
18. Wedding planner: The review found that weddings are planned without confirming who is getting married. The firm recommends “defining the couple and communicating the couple to all stakeholders.”
19. Bank: Consultants found that deposits are kept in a shoebox under the teller’s desk. The bank’s response: “The shoebox is consistently recognized as exploratory.”
20. Consulting firm: After hiring a consultant to review its own practices, the firm learned it had been charging clients $40,000 to tell them things they already knew. It plans to bring in another consultant to determine next steps.